


Briefly, Scarcely

by thewriterpoe



Category: SHINee
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Changing Tenses, Drugs, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Non-Explicit Sex, Warning: Suicide Trigger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2020-09-06 22:44:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20299156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewriterpoe/pseuds/thewriterpoe
Summary: It was supposed to be just sex; a one-night stand; at least that’s what Kibum thought it was but he’s not sure.





	1. Clockwork

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter one is flashback except for the triggering event which is in italics.  
Chapter two happens a couple of days after the event in italics.

“What is your relationship with Jonghyun?”

A lot of people have been asking him about his relationship with Jonghyun lately and he’s never really sure how to respond so he doesn’t. _It was supposed to be just sex; a one-night stand; at least that’s what Kibum thought it was but he’s not sure. It did start out that way but he was at a loss as to how things got so far as to be Jonghyun's emergency contact – a broken tibia from jumping off a third-floor balcony. Apparently, it wasn’t a suicide attempt – according to the homeless man who was with him. Kibum didn’t know what he was supposed to do with that information; or the prescription of antidepressants, antipsychotics, anti-nausea, and mood stabilizers. So, he just signed the release paperwork and brought Jonghyun back to his place where it all started._

Actually, it started at Taemin’s place, the apartment above his; pregame for his birthday party. Despite being two years older, Kibum was friends with Taemin in the way everyone was friends with Taemin though a bit closer if the beer pulley they had constructed between their apartments was any indication. Jonghyun was there. Kibum had noticed him in the way you notice a wild thing that cannot be tamed; and, accustomed to wild things that couldn’t be tamed, he admired Jonghyun briefly and scarcely. But Jonghyun talked to him and he talked back, unnerved by Jonghyun's intense gaze and the way his fingers lingered when he passed the blunt.

They fucked that night, rushed and messy in the half bathroom, and Kibum thoroughly expected not to hear from him again. And he didn’t, for two months; Jonhyun didn’t even register his existence the one time they bumped into each other on campus. So, Kibum was understandably confused when Jonghyun turned up at his place one Friday night. He thought maybe Jonghyun was lost, reminding him that Taemin’s apartment was one floor up but Jonghyun said he knew that.

“Then why are you at my door?”

Jonghyun quipped that it was mainly because Kibum hadn’t invited him in but also because he just wanted to see Kibum again. Alone. “I can’t stop thinking about you,” he said.

It sounded like a line but Kibum let him in anyway.

It was a strange night but not altogether unpleasant. Between the beer buzz and Grey Haze they managed awkward bits of conversation. Kibum was a mechanical engineering major. Jonghyun majored in literature. Kibum wanted to be a pilot in the Air Force. Jonghyun wanted to be a writer. When he was a child, Kibum was afraid a tree would grow out of him because he swallowed orange seeds. When he was a child, Jonghyun believed he was possessed because of mysterious marks on his body that disappeared after his mother cut his nails. The long stretches of silence weren’t awkward though; Cigarettes After Sex playing faintly in the background.

“I really like your music,” Jonghyun said, plumes of potent smoke between words.

Kibum smiled lazily, his head lolling sideways to look at Jonghyun. It was actually Taemin’s roommate, Minho, who made the playlist for him but he accepted the compliment anyway. “Thanks.”

“Can we have sex now?”

Kibum chuckled because he had suspected that this was what brought Jonghyun to his door in the first place. “You didn’t have to pretend you were interested in me as a person if that’s what you wanted.”

“Yeah,” Jonghyun shrugged, leaning in towards him. “But it’s polite.”

Jonghyun kissed Kibum with dizzying effect; even with slow, measured strokes he felt short of breath. He fucked Kibum in the same way, deliberate and calculated; as though he was figuring out what worked best together; trying this way, trying that way like he didn’t hear the difference in the exquisite sounds from Kibum's throat. It really messed with Kibum's headspace the way he could hear the thrum of blood flowing in his veins where Jonghyun touched him or the rise of hairs on his skin where Jonhyun's warm breath passed over. He wanted to think it was the Grey Haze but they were both high when they fucked the first time and it was nothing like this.

“Your body is really soft and warm,” Jonghyun commented, nose burrowing into Kibum's nape; sated and chummy.

“Is that your polite way of saying I’m fat?” He couldn’t really get comfortable using Jonghyun's arm as a pillow but he figured it was only till they fell asleep so he endured.

Jonghyun's chuckle tickled his neck, raising goose pimples all over his skin. “It’s my way of saying I feel safe but speaking of body shaming…how come you didn't want me to suck you off?”

Kibum's body tensed at the question and he moved Jonghyun's other hand higher up his torso.

“It’s just that I keep wondering what you taste like,” Jonghyun continued, sliding his hand back down to where it first rested on Kibum's pelvis.

_ Chicken noodle soup_ but Kibum didn’t tell him that. “On the second date?" Kibum faked shock. 

“So, next time then?” Jonghyun asked, laughing. 

_Wow, he really has a nice laugh, _Kibum thought.

Kibum wasn’t sure when the next time would be – Jonghyun didn’t take his number or follow him back on Instagram. And then it became unclear that there would even be a next time when a video of Jonghyun making out with some sophomore girl made it’s rounds on social media.

It shouldn’t have been but after that it was awkward between them when they met randomly – at the student union party, at the convenient store where Kibum worked, at Minho’s Play Station 4 tournament. There was always a moment when their eyes met, before Jonghyun acted like Kibum didn’t exist. Maybe it was because he was dating the girl from the video. But Kibum never had expectations of the thing between them. He wished he could just tell Jonghyun that because he was a wild thing Kibum knew he couldn’t tame; it was enough to be with him briefly and scarcely.

Like clockwork, two months later Jonghyun showed up alone at Kibum's work, a Wednesday evening. Kibum had had a feeling he would from the hawkish way Jonghyun had been staring at him whenever he came in with his friends. 

“Hey, can I talk to you for a second?”

Kibum's eyes flitted to the store front where he expected someone, anyone to come in. “Sure, what’s up?”

“I wanted to apologize for the video. It was a truth or dare and it just got out of control.”

Kibum had not expected that. Maybe a clarification on where they stood but not an explanation. “Dude, I’m not your boyfriend. You don’t owe me an explanation or apology for anything. We only hooked up once.”

The look Jonghyun gave him then was confusing; disappointment? Irritation?

“Twice,” he corrected Kibum. “We hooked up twice and I know I don’t owe you an explanation or apology I just didn’t want you to be angry with me over something that was meaningless.”

Kibum could have really used a clarification on where they stood because he was only more confused. “I’m not angry with you. I -,”

The door chimed signaling a customer. Kibum turned away from Jonghyun to serve one of the regulars their usual two packs of cigarettes and a lottery ticket. If he had hoped taking his time with the purchase would prompt Jonghyun to leave he was wrong; Jonghyun's gaze fixed on him even as the middle-aged woman nudged him out of her way. 

He stayed till Kibum's shift was over and Kibum just had to tell him that he was pulling an all-nighter with a study group. Jonghyun seemed offended by the assumption of sex but what else was Kibum supposed to take from his sudden attention? Or the important thing he just remembered when he realized they wouldn’t be fucking that night.


	2. Walls

“What is your relationship with Jonghyun?”

“I only ask because he talks about you a lot during our sessions. In fact, he only talks about you.” Of course, Jonghyun would be seeing Jinki. Kibum should have known _he_ was the reason the student counselor called him in.

Kibum’s not sure what he’s supposed to do with that information. What could Jonghyun possibly have to say about him when they hardly even talk? He's careful to guard his irritation, though, making an ambiguous noise of acknowledgment.

“In the beginning I was worried that him fixating on you would have an adverse effect but he’s been taking his medication consistently so whatever you’re doing, keep doing it.”

“But why are you telling me this?” Kibum asks, frustrated by the yoke of a responsibility being placed on him. This is not what he signed up for. He didn’t even sign up for anything and now he has to deal with someone whose mood swings give him whiplash. They aren’t dating; they are just fuck buddies for crying out loud. Kibum doesn’t count that one time Jonghyun tricked him into having dinner with his family as anything: There he was in his 7/11 uniform with Jonghyun's father, step-mother, older sister and her fiancé dressed to the nines for his parent’s wedding anniversary dinner; even Jonghyun was dressed for the occasion, if a bit casual, in all black. The whole affair was strained and awkward more so after mention of Jonghyun's biological mother. It felt like Jonghyun's intentions for having Kibum there were unkind although Kibum couldn’t figure out for who the insult was meant. He had meant to confront Jonghyun about it but he hadn’t been sure it would have made the drive back to campus less tense. With how reckless Jonghyun was driving, Kibum was more concerned for his safety than why he was used as a pawn in Jonghyun's game of emotional chess. When they fucked that night (because of course they would fuck), it was like Kibum wasn’t even there, like he could have been any one of the warm bodies offered to Jonghyun on a daily basis. It really made Kibum feel like shit.

“Because I think it’s good for you too,” Jinki proposes. “Help deal with your abandonment issues.”

That is a dick move. Jinki knows what Kibum went through to come to terms with the fact that his mother hadn’t left them because his father was a loser - their long-awaited ten-year reunion soured by his mother saying, albeit reluctantly, that she didn’t want to complicate her new life and family. And if his own mother didn’t want a relationship with him, why would anyone, least of all a fuckboy like Jonghyun, want a relationship with him? That’s why the questions about a relationship with Jonghyun irk him. There is no relationship.

Kibum's mouth sets in a hard line. “I’m over that phase of my life.”

“Just because you’ve developed an effective coping mechanism doesn’t mean you’ve dealt with your issues. Building walls to keep people out also serves to keep you locked in.”

_Fuck you!_ Kibum really doesn’t want to break down right now but something inside him snaps. “How is helping someone even more fucked up than I am supposed to help deal with my issues? How does that even work?”

“Key," Jinki intones in his soft voice that Kibum finds disgustingly condescending, "You’re not fucked up. And being there for someone in the way no one was there for you allows you to let people in.”

It’s kind of difficult to be there for someone who ghosts him every time they fuck. It’s even more difficult when now Kibum waits for Jonghyun to fall asleep before he comes home. It’s been a week and no one has come looking for him yet. Kibum misses his space and just wants to be in bed instead of at the bus station with a ticket that became invalid three days ago.

It’s passed midnight when he comes home after his conversation with Jinki. Jonghyun's not asleep and it’s almost as though he’s been waiting for Kibum. Kibum can feel him boring holes into the back of his skull as he rummages through the kitchen cupboards and drawers for something, anything. He can tell Jonghyun wants to talk by the way he’s playing with his fingers; but either he doesn’t know how to brooch the subject or he’s embarrassed. And Kibum’s not willing to help him out; answering in full stops when Jonghyun asks him about his day.

“You’re sucking on your bottom lip,” Jonghyun says, speaking over the reality show he’s not really watching. “You always suck your bottom lip when you’re stressed. Am I stressing you out?”

It’s the tone that catches Kibum's attention more than the words and he realizes that Jonghyun's not embarrassed. He’s scared.

“No,” Kibum lies, surprised by the firmness in his tone. “You’re not stressing me out.” His phone beeps, lights up with a notification from Taemin and Minho.

**Taemin: Are you and Jonghyun are thing? Lol.**

Kibum frowns. Taemin has worst timing for everything that isn't dance and usually it's funny but not today. 

**Minho: Hey, where are you? Jonghyun’s looking everywhere for you.**

** What’s going on?**

** He seems upset.**

The time stamp is from five hours ago.

Honestly, fuck Minho. He knew about Jonghyun’s condition and didn’t tell him anything. Granted, Minho didn’t know about him and Jonghyun but still. Kibum's in the middle of typing a very passive aggressive response, undoing and rewording phrases that he might have to apologize for later when another text from him comes in.

**Unknown: It’s me, Jonghyun. I feel foolish for reaching out to you like this.**

** But it feels like the only way.**

** Or maybe I’m just being a coward.**

** I’m sorry for scaring you.**

** I’m sorry for not telling you about my…condition. It’s just -**

** I like you and if you found out that I was bipolar,**

** you would not give me a chance. Or worse**

** you would look at me differently.**

** So, even though it killed me, **

** I tried to spend as little time as possible with you**

** so you wouldn't find out. I don’t know. It made sense in my head –**

** the less you saw me, the more I could keep seeing you.**

** It didn’t really work out. Plus, I think I made you feel like shit.**

** I understand that you don’t want me around.**

** I was only thinking about how I feel like myself when I’m with you.**

** Not fuckboy or bipolar boy, just Jonghyun. I didn’t think**

** about how you would want space. I guess that’s why you**

** don’t come home as often. I’m sorry for that too.**

Kibum regrets looking up because Jonghyun looks so pathetically fond it makes his heart ache. He doesn’t want to hurt Jonghyun but he doesn’t want to be hurt when Jonghyun finally gets bored of him and fixates on someone else. That’s how he sees this ending.

There’s a knock on the door and it saves Kibum from giving an answer. It’s Minho, come to take Jonghyun back to his place.

Kibum just kind of stands there unsure of what to do. Jonghyun doesn’t have much stuff, just a paper bag with the clothes he had when he was admitted at the hospital. Minho takes that and dashes to the rental before it gets clamped for illegal parking.

“Aren’t you going to stop me?” Jonghyun jokes, but not really; there’s no mirth in his eyes. “Can I at least have a hug?”

Kibum slips easily enough into Jonghyun's embrace, long and tight with Jonghyun's shaky breath on his face. Then quietly, enough so he can pretend he didn’t say it and Kibum can pretend he didn’t hear it; he tells her he thinks he loves him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't planning to but I just now want a happy ending for this.


	3. (Not) Alone

“Are you Ok?”  
Kibum thinks he hates this question as much as he hated the one about his relationship with Jonghyun and just like that one, he doesn’t know. He’s felt better, he’s felt worse. He didn’t have a good relationship with his father when he was younger and when he moved out at sixteen, he didn’t have a relationship with him at all. Now that he’s dead, he just feels… not nothing but something close to nothing.  
“Do you have anyone to help you with the arrangements?”  
For some reason Jonghyun pops in his head. Jonghyun’s been everywhere lately: the student union, his Instagram feed, the convenient store and always with a tall, sinewy guy. And Kibum’s glad. He can finally stop worrying about Jonghyun (which he has been doing a lot of) because he has someone to take care him.  
“There’s no one,” Kibum replies, looking passed Jinki to the tack in the wall behind him. And the feeling that’s close to nothing expands at his words. If his father has family he doesn’t know. There were never any birthday cards from aunts or uncles, nor were there Christmas presents from grandparents. And it hits him for the first time even though nothing’s changed from before to after he heard the news that he is alone.  
Alone. He tries it on for size and finds it small across his chest, like a sweater that’s shrunk in the wash.  
“Would you like me to help you?”  
“No.”  
There aren’t really any arrangements to make. When he went to identify his father’s body, the morgue director told him she could arrange everything for the low price of $800, all Kibum had to do was collect the ashes and death certificate. He’ll miss his afternoon class but it should all be over by the time he needs to get to work so there’s no need to get anyone else involved. Still, he’s grateful when Jinki lends him his suit jacket because Kibum doesn’t have any kind of formal clothing and there’s a piece of chocolate in one of the pockets, and if he breathes deeply he can catch a whiff of Jinki’s cologne and pretend he’s there with him.

Kibum doesn’t end up going to work even though the $800 really screws him over for next semester’s tuition. He just sits on a park bench till dark feeling sorry for all the things he’s never done that he’ll never get to do – no homecoming for Thanksgiving or Christmas, no family holidays, no graduation dinners. It’s not as though he had plans to reconcile with his father but now he can’t even if he doesn’t want to and somehow that makes a world of a difference.  
Alone. It’s feels tighter on his walk home than it did in Jinki’s office. The stairs to his apartment always made him winded but he’s practically panting when he finally reaches the landing to catch his breath.  
From the corner of his eye he catches movement and looks to see Jonghyun getting up from the welcome mat at his door.  
“Hi!”  
And it feels like all the air that’s been trapped in his body is released. Why now? Kibum opens his mouth but quickly closes it to swallow down the sob bubbling up his throat.  
His silence makes Jonghyun nervous.  
“Minho said to give you this,” Jonghyun thrusts a burn CD and what looks like a blunt towards Kibum, his eyes sliding to the urn Kibum’s trying to hide.  
“Jinki told you, didn’t he?”  
It explains Taemin’s text earlier that day about how Kibum doesn’t really suck at Mario Cart.  
“He’s really worried about you.”  
“I’m fine,” Kibum smiles, “Really. We weren’t that close.” He feels himself coming apart at the seams so he needs Jonghyun to leave as soon as possible. “Or even at all.” His voice is strong but Jonghyun doesn’t look convinced. So, Kibum invites him in to share the blunt, stipulating that he can’t stay up too late because he has a morning class he can’t miss.  
Minho’s mix is filled with a surprising number friendship ballads, and he feels bad about listening to it without Minho because he’s pretty sure Minho meant for them to get high together and belt out Mariah Carey’s ‘Anytime you need a friend.’ Still, it fills the silences between the questions and drags:  
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”  
“It wasn’t important.”  
“You didn’t have to go alone.”  
Kibum scoffs, plumes of smoke escaping between his teeth and nostrils. “I am alone,” he says quietly.  
“What about your mom?”  
Kibum takes a drag of the blunt because he doesn’t want to answer but Jonghyun’s patiently waiting for one.  
“It’s just me,” Kibum finally replies and he can see the words forming in Jonghyun’s mind – ‘it doesn’t have to be. There’s also me.’  
But it seems like Jonghyun’s afraid to say them or rather he’s afraid of what Kibum’s response will be so he says that Jinki’s there’s for him and Minho, and Taemin too.  
“And what about you?” Kibum challenges, bloodshot gaze steadily holding Jonghyun’s cautious and timid one.  
“If you let me.” There's no hesitation when he says it.  
It’s not what Kibum wants to hear. His alone is different from the one Jonghyun’s talking about and the sooner he gets used to it the better.  
“Thanks for coming,” Kibum says, putting out the blunt. He heads for door, talking about how tired he is and the morning class he can’t miss. Jonghyun slowly follows him, a pensive look on his face. He puts his hands out for a hug. Kibum hesitates but eventually lets himself be enveloped in the warmth of Jonghyun’s body.  
It’s a mistake. The longer the hug continues the weaker his resolve becomes. Jonghyun smells like the summer before his mother left; of the lemon trees at the camp where he got his first kiss; of the towel at the community pool where he had his birthday; of the books his mother used to read. But it’s him who’s holding on, fingers wrapped tightly into the back of Jonghyun’s sweater, as though Jonghyun is the only thing between him and some terrible abyss he doesn’t want to face.  
“I won’t leave until you’re ready,” Jonghyun whispers, stroking his hair.


End file.
